


No Easy Love

by rikke_leonhart



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Family, Family Issues, Gen, Trust Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-27
Updated: 2016-10-27
Packaged: 2018-08-27 09:50:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8396986
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rikke_leonhart/pseuds/rikke_leonhart
Summary: If Squall doesn’t come back from this mission, Laguna will never forgive himself.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Musings about Laguna during a recent playthrough of the game. Poor guy.

*  
If Squall doesn’t come back from this mission, Laguna will never forgive himself.

The boy is the spitting image of Raine; so much that Laguna doesn’t quite know what to do when he looks at him; so much that when Kiros had shown him Squall’s file, he’d lost his breath; so much that he hadn’t known if he’d be able to look at him and not weep. The shade of his hair and set of his cheeks; Raine’s eyes were never quite this icy. He’s impossibly self-contained, possibly aloof, so stunningly self-efficient and self-reliant at seventeen that it breaks his heart.

He did this to Squall. Unknowingly, perhaps, but the endgame is the same. His actions did this.

And if Squall isn’t coming back from this and Laguna can’t come to know him now that he’s found him, Laguna will never be alright again. He knows this and can feel it in his bones, with every ache that settles firmly.

It’s not that he sees Squall as redemption, because that is not in the cards for him. He had reasons for not coming back, even good reasons, but it was a choice he made and that he will be atoning for for the rest of his life. Squall’s existence is a blessing and a shot at finding a small measure of happiness, but he’s already jeopardized that by condoning sending these specific SeeDs for the mission.

Keep his son; for however short a time it might turn out to be before Ultimecia ends all existence – or possibly save the world. The future. Everything and everyone. His son.

For all he knows, he could be sending Squall to his death. There’s no guarantee that they will end up in the future and fight the battle that must be fought for freedom, for existence and for the world, and there’s even less of a chance that they will be able to make it back when Time is fractured and trying to piece itself back together – for Squall to make it will take a miracle.

Squall is a mercenary: Squall is a SeeD – a full-fledged commanding officer at the tender age of seventeen, who’s run against time and with the odds stacked against him and yet still seems to be the solution to the questions that haven’t even been asked yet. He’s deadly, probably one of the most dangerous men in the world judging by what is in his file, but steel alone cannot win against a Sorceress of Time. But Squall’s eyes, so much cooler than Raine’s, are determined, pragmatic and resigned in equal measures, and Laguna knows this like he knows the sky is blue, that if anyone can do it, it’s him.

He knows that as a father he is the least subjective person on the planet to have a say in this, but; Squall is beautiful, beautiful like Raine was, but somehow edgier, sharper, like instead of the edges being worn round, they’ve become more pointed, far more dangerous, more masculine. He has Raine’s colors and Raine’s eyes, but Laguna’s soldier posture and lean body, and Laguna could weep from knowing this precious boy exists.

Young man – hardly a boy any longer. The way of the SeeDs is long and difficult, yet Squall seems to bear the mantle of command gracefully if with some reluctance. He’s a natural leader, it’s obvious with how his comrades look to him for his opinions, his accept and his orders. Perhaps it’s because he’s often quiet, so they listen when he speaks. His file doesn’t offer much besides his accomplishments and accolades and his tempestuous rivalry; Ellone had said that Squall could be sullen and most often keeps his own counsel, and this is probably the exact opposite of Laguna himself but –

Laguna is not blind to the fact that chaos follows him more often than not. He leaps without looking, speaks before thinking, but Laguna’s own childhood had been nothing like Squall’s.

Ellone had said that Squall’s defense mechanisms were to only rely on himself and himself alone. Laguna has always had his friends and trusts them to help sort out the chaos he inevitably leaves behind and Squall… Squall has not.

He knows that Squall’s trust is not something he’s likely to gain.

And he’s fine with that. He wants it, oh, he wants it so badly he can feel his limbs tremble and his teeth ache, the burning of his eyes tells the same story, but if Squall can’t forgive him and won’t trust him, that is something he will deal with. None of this is on Squall and he will not be held responsible for any of it; Laguna will deal with it. He will cry and mourn for Squall’s lost childhood and all he lost before he ever had the chance of having it, but he will not burden Squall with it.

Whatever Squall wants from him or wants him to be; or nothing at all. Laguna will do it all, gladly, and more, everything in his power, he will do all he can. He can’t recreate or reform Squall’s childhood and he can’t go back and choose differently at all the crossroads, it’s all been said and done. He can only look forward from here or drown in regrets. There are a million things he needs to tell Squall, so many things he needs to plead for forgiveness for; he wants to, he will walk on his knees if necessary.

Squall, who is going to save the world. Squall, who is everything Laguna could ever have wished for in a child, because everything Squall is, Laguna will treasure from however close he’s permitted. It will be the easiest thing and the most difficult thing at the same time; loving Squall in whatever form he’s allowed.

He will, though, because he can’t not. He can continue loving Raine and all she’s given him for all his selfish ways; this beautiful boy that is all Raine and soldier-strength.

If Squall doesn’t come back from this mission, Laguna will never forgive himself.

*


End file.
